Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Boobs are out for the taking
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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