I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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