the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
