Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
