I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
