dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
