There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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