I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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