At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
