My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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