I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
