how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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