so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
