My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
