if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
