Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
