I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
