yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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