Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
