Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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