I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
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He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
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Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.