pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
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I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.