I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?