nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
