I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
