I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?