She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
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distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
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I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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