I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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