Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
