apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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