Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
