So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
