I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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