peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
