I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
this hospital has no fireball
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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