On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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