party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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