Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is it because I queefed?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
