Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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