So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
