Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
