He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
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A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
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well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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