I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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