so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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