I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
