1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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