I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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