just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
