Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
