Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
