Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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