Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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