My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
