Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
