The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
