Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
