now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
