i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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