Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
