Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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