This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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